Satan Gave Me The Blood of the New and Everlasting Covenant

When Tom Cruise first started really ranting about Scientology a few years ago my friend Jean said that he had been promoted in Scientology to the position of Pope. This explained his newfound outspokenness. I thought she was onto something.

Now it turns out that he is not the Pope of Scientology. He is the savior.

I know it's fashionable to bash Scientologists. Any religion founded by a man who looks like the Skipper should be ridiculed. (Who was his Paul? Bob Denver? Is the Professor Pontius Pilot? No, that would be Mr. Howell, wouldn't it?) But I'm not terribly religious to begin with, so it's snotty of me to stand on the spiritual sidelines and mock people's strange faiths. Plus I was raised a Catholic. I'm in no position to criticize.

So Scientologists believe space aliens sired the human race, big deal. Funny, but harmless. It also doesn't really bother me if Tom Cruise is its savior. It's freaking ridiculous, but I don't care. And frankly, I could give two shits as to whether or not the religion fosters a misapprehension of psycholgical problems and drug-addiction recovery. Or that they steal people's money, or prey upon psychologically frail individuals. All churches do that. Scientology isn't so special.

No, what bugs me about Scientology is that it seems to have ruined Beck. Go back and listen to Mellow Gold from start to finish. It'll probably be the first time you've done it since 1995. Then listen to One Foot in the Grave. Then play his most recent album. Weep a bit. Return to your computer. Print out this image of L. Ron Hubbard. Burn it. Feel better.